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You may not know this but a Brussel Sprout is probably the most uninteresting vegetable. There are those who love them (shame on you whoever you are!) and like me, those who couldn’t think of a fate worse than death if they were forced to eat them. In fact as a man, the only way to enjoy a Brussel sprout is the 1001 different ways that you pass wind after having just come into close contact with a thought of eating one Brussel Sprout! This of course does not affect the female of the species as they, I am assured, do not pass wind.
The reason I bring this up? Well a few years ago it was discovered by an astute doctor that I have only one functioning kidney. The astute doctor in the emergency room at the time was trying to work out why I was so ill. The up shot of this joyous episode was a week or so in hospital with a tube up my, how can I put this politely, my manly attribute?! I must mention the removal of this offending tube was undertaken by two very attractive nurses and overseen by a very strange officially looking man who stood wincing by the door, which he held open so passers-by could enjoy the spectacle. I did not rise to the occasion so to speak. A fact which I am still ashamed of! Anyway I digress. The reason I bring this up is that on a recent trip to the consultant who is in charge of my kidney (obviously he hasn’t gotten hold of it, its still inside me, he just looks after it) I have been told that I have to limit my diet to remove any possibility of consuming oxalates. Now oxalates occur quiet naturally in nature and are designed to pass through our systems to enable our waste help grow other consumables. It is a bit more complicated than that, but I don’t have a degree in microbiological stuff so I couldn’t understand a word I read up on the subject. I didn’t read all of the chapter but I did get two lines in. Which anyone who knows is the perfect amount to read should you want to be an arm chair expert in the field! My wife however who is far more intelligent than me read it all and found four other researcher’s on the subject. She has written me a do’s and don’ts list. I have of course read what she has written, not the full twenty odd pages you understand, but she did a lot of work on it so I stuck it out for three lines. The most glaring of which has stuck in my mind is that I can only eat Brussel sprouts! They contain almost no oxalates whatsoever! How amazing for me!! And for those who spend time in my company post err lunch!
So off I go in search of the Brussel Sprout mecca! After all having spent more than 20 years in the food industry, having spent most of that time cooking… cleaning, screaming and of course crying, also occasionally getting thrown out of some of London’s finest restaurants, I should therefore be able to come up with some amazing recipes…… Shouldn’t I???
When Iwona jetted off to see her parents for a few days, the hard work began… I can tell you it truly was hard work. There was a bit of Hubble Bubble Toil and a hell of a lot of trouble! The smells from the kitchen were amazing! Well not really but I have to build this up a bit don’t I? They smelled well Brussel Sprout-y. And after testing and tasting, my digestion or the result of my digestion smelled shall we say a bit ripe? Not so good in other words. Bum and George (our Dog and Cat) flat refused to sit near me and there are several species of plant that no longer grow around the outside of our bedroom window. Also I am contemplating contacting the American Military to ascertain if what I have produced could be weaponised…?
The result?? I am sure you are asking if the resulting are the recipes any good??? 1001 different tastes to try?? Well errr no. I have 4 which are edible and that I like. Should you like to know more then please PM me and I will be happy to share these with you. But what am I to do, I am sure those of you who are worried about my welfare are thinking erm well you probably aren’t worried about my welfare! But I am what am I to do??????? I mean Brussel sprouts for the rest of my days….. How am I going to cope, how can I put up with just them….. and even more importantly how am I ever going to be Romantic again with my other half!!!!!!!!!!?????!!!!
I had no choice I posed the question to my Oracle upon her return from seeing her Mum and Dad She asked me if I had read the pages she had written.
“ Of course” I replied. Thinking about the four lines I had read
“Well if you had” she told me, “you would have found the other pages contained an extensive list of veg, meat, fish, diary and loads of recipes that I found for you. “
“ I See” I replied………… You can currently fine be residing in the Dog house….
Peace in France 